Where the Energy Goes.

We are more visible now to others than we ever were before. Our world is shrinking in a way, thanks to social media. Our daily routines and events can now be followed by people all over the world.

It’s an interesting time to be alive, isn’t it? And to think that this wouldn’t have any effect on us at all is outrageous… Our world has changed dramatically.

When I was a kid, I never dreamed that I would be posting pictures on social media of myself in the underwear equivalent of a bathing suit. But it’s not weird. It’s as normal as washing the dishes.

And so I’ve noticed my energy shifting outward. Has anybody else felt that? The world is watching. Likes are being thrown around. How many people are going to post a picture without first wondering what others are going to think of it? I myself am guilty as charged.

Now, I don’t obsess over what people think of me.

But I do believe that the time and energy I do spend investing in guessing or caring could be better spent on something else.

I think that’s why I’ve noticed such a radical self love movement on social media. People are beginning to proudly display themselves as they actually are, instead of how their ego wants them to be seen.

I’m talking armpit hair, no makeup, food baby hanging out. Zero filters allowed, no flattering angles necessary.

I think it’s beautiful. And challenging. On one hand, it’s challenging because it’s scary to be so vulnerable in front of other people. On the other hand, it’s scary because you are about to scream from the mountain tops “I LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY” , and so you have to mean it. That’s the challenge. Not saying it, but meaning it. With your whole being.

It’s not easy to face ourselves and say “I love you no matter what”.

It is freedom though.

And it’s a great way to use the energy that we have.

This is something I will be focusing on for the next couple of weeks, or months. Or however long it takes to feel like I’m finally at that place of radical self love.


I dont care what you think of this photo

Where does your energy flow?

Hitting Rock Bottom

Bad days come and go, difficult things happen in our lives, but we work through them.

Hitting rock bottom is entirely different.

I can pinpoint events in my life that served as catalysts for change. In reflecting on those times, I notice that it was not the great and wonderful events in life that changed me, but rather the situations that brought out the very worst in my life.  It was rock bottom that brought me to my knees, the lowest I ever felt, the furthest down I could ever go.

Rock bottom is different because it’s do or die. When you hit rock bottom, that is the Universe telling you “something’s gotta give, it’s time for a change”.

You’re on the precipice of complete and utter destruction. At this time in your life, the world holds up a mirror, and you are challenged to face who you really are. Are you a fighter or not? Because in that moment, you are running out of options. So what do you do?

If you don’t fight, you die. And I don’t even mean in the physical sense. If you don’t fight, you are spiritually dead. Because you let that event beat you down. You didn’t listen to the Universe when it encouraged you to change. You got stuck. at the bottom. And that’s where you’ll stay until you find the courage to move on from where you are.

Change can mean many things, but as the saying goes it is not easy. Change is hard. Worse than that, it’s uncomfortable. The way things are, miserable as they may be, can be comforting when it is familiar. You’re going to have to be brave. You might have to do things a way you have never done them before. You might have to reinvent yourself. You are going to change your life.

Getting out of rock bottom is up to you. It is no one else’s job to bail you out. No one else can be responsible for changing your life! Other people can offer support, your friends and family can share their wisdom, but at the end of the day change is about action, and it’s up to you to take that action.

The reality of the situation is that everybody goes through this. Multiple times. We want to believe that once we’ve been to the bottom we can never go back there again. But it can and likely will happen. That’s just life. At 27 years old I have hit rock bottom more than once. I know when the time comes I will visit it again.

What gets you through is an intense regimen of self-care. What gets you through is a support system of family, friends, and/or faith. What gets you through is that inner voice that tells you not to ever give up.

It sounds cliche, but you’ll get through it, and you’ll come out stronger than you were before. Smarter than you were before. And damn proud of yourself.


Diary of the Best Friend of an Alcoholic

It’s so much easier to write about what you know.

That’s why this blog isn’t about knitting, or beauty, or scrapbooking.

That’s why this blog is about struggle. That’s why this blog is about overcoming.

These are the things that I know. Not just in myself, but the people who surround me.

Now I understand why they say “like attracts like”. I know a lot of people who are engaged in mental struggles. This is no coincidence. I know my energy has brought those people to me. Like most people, I find that these friends and acquaintances seem to come and go with time, but a small circle of ‘strugglers’ around me always remains. None the less, I am blessed by their presence. They show me what it means to be truly strong.

Amidst the transients, one person always remains.

She has anxiety, and depression, and she’s an alcoholic.

She’s also my best friend.

From the outside, we might look like opposites. I am the routine-loving, health conscious, gym-going, middle class almost-27-year-old.

She is in and out of recovery.

They are two different worlds. Worlds that seem to collide. And when they collide: sometimes they mesh, sometimes they explode.

I want to share with you guys about my best friend, because she is what I know.

If you’ve never met an alcoholic, you might be so inclined to first picture in your mind an older man, bearded, worn, leathery skin, homeless, sad eyes.

My best friend couldn’t be further from that. She is the epitome of energy. When I show up at a gathering, people always ask me, “is she coming?”. They anticipate her arrival like a beautiful spring after a long winter.

She is also highly intelligent. Existential and philosophical conversations are a breeze for her. She is boundless potential. She is smart energy. She is so freaking beautiful.

She is also very sensitive. This has manifested itself into making her somewhat of a people-pleaser. She want’s everyone to be happy. If I asked her to, she would drink lava. She would do it just because I asked, and she wouldn’t flinch question or hesitate she would just do it, sometimes to the point where it’s annoying, it annoys me even when she puts me before herself.

Because I know what her priority should be.

My best friend’s life is a minefield. I never know if the next step she takes is going to be a good effort forward, or blow her leg off. I don’t think she knows either.

She’s had anxiety since she was five.

She used to being afraid and has worried about her future ever since.

I don’t struggle with alcohol addiction but I know all about it. I’ve seen the highs and the lows. I know the process isn’t an easy or a straight road. I know that it’s hard for non-addicts to remain sober, so I can’t imagine what it’s like for her.

I have often described myself as “ever the optimist”. This is a gift that my best friend has given me. I’ve progressed to a place where I couldn’t go on always assuming the worst with her (of course, I have my moments). I choose to believe. In my heart I think she will overcome this. Years down the road, I see her helping people just like her younger self. I see her strength, intelligence, and tenacity being put to good use in the community. I look forward to watching her grow.

I could focus on the bad. I could maintain my attention on all the horrible shit we’ve been through. I choose not to,

because she chooses not to.

Her soul is resilient. She takes every down in life in delicate stride. She’s taught me so much.

In the most insane way I can explain, I am grateful for her struggle. It set me on the path on which I embark upon today.

If you ever wonder why I chose this life, it’s because she chose me.