I hope you are not confused by the title. I’ve lost good things, and I’ve lost bad things. It’s just change. It’s just life. It’s a part of my journey that I want to share with you.
This is what I lost to fitness.
I lost that “not caring” mentality. I do care. I care so much. About how every hour of my day is spent. The #fitlife has inspired a passion in me that never lets me go. And I mean that. I care what I put in my body. I care if I have a good workout. I care if I’m making a step in the right direction. I remember not caring; I remember floating around aimlessly in the Universe under a cloud of beautiful, light, blissful ignorance. I remember when the thought of “what should my workout be today” never crossed my mind. Fitness changed me, I lost my apathy. I realized I cared, and I want to win the challenge of me vs. me.
I lost my old body. I had to say goodbye to the girl whose outside didn’t match the inside. I was never athletic my entire life. But inside I always felt strong. I had to say goodbye to the body I knew, to realize the body that was becoming. I lost the body I was estranged from. I traded it for one I’m so close with, we’re like best friends. I listen to everything it says. I know it’s every intention, I know it’s next move. I’m not 103 lbs anymore and I probably never will be again. I said goodbye.
I lost my connection. I feel like I got along better with people when my values weren’t so different from the rest of my family and friends. Sometimes I feel like when I talk to people that they think I’m some crazy banana hippie who doesn’t believe in modern medicine and wants to cure the world with epsom salts. My family and friends have regular lives. And they love them. And I’m so happy for them. But I don’t know that regular life. I just know what’s best for me, and what I like. I like natural remedies. I like bodybuilding. I like being so busy sometimes I want to rip my eyeballs out.
I lost my friends. It’s so hard to say, or rather to admit. Is it because they don’t feel like they have anything in common with me anymore? But I’m the same person I always was; only better. Because I’m happy now, and I have joy to give, and I want to share and give all that joy but there’s no one there to give it to? Or perhaps they feel like they can’t talk to me about things, because on social media I seem like I “have it all together”. I’m not immune to struggle. We all have problems, everyone.
I need to say this: being into fitness isn’t a prerequisite to be my friend. I’m like an onion, I have layers. I have other interests: cooking, horror movies, true crime, yoga, just to name a few. As ludicrous as this sounds to even read as I type it, I know this to be true. I lost friends to fitness and this is a sorry thing.
I lost my fear and inhibition. I used to struggle with my anxiety every day. I used to drink to numb the pain of being extremely depressed. I used to get through every day just praying that the next one would be better, desperate to pull through. It wasn’t easy. It took me one year to completely turn my life around. I started to believe that wild things were possible for me.I proved to myself that I am a strong woman. I’m a woman who can do anything she sets her mind to. Now I have the life I only dreamed of when I would lay awake in my bed at night, anxious and alone.
I lost being lost. I found myself in the gym. It’s both cheesy and it’s true. I found a safe space in which to challenge myself, to overcome, to dedicate all my hardwork and focus. I welcomed the challenge of growing both physically and mentally. I found the person I was always supposed to be.