I’m back where I once was before, but I’m not.

I strongly believe that the Universe gives you exactly what you ask it for.

For the past few weeks I have been feeling like something is missing. I workout, I eat my greens, I play with my dogs. Life is good. No, life is great.

But I’ve been wondering: where is my fire?

Where is my passion?

How can I get out of the headspace of simply feeling complacent, and get back to reaching for greatness?

I remember a year and a half ago, I was in such a bad spot. Horrible breakup. Moved back in with my mom. Struggling with my anxiety. Desperate to graduate. Zero knowledge of how to nourish my body. Dealing with family issues. No close relationship with myself, very little honest awareness. All I knew is that I was lost.

I needed a place to go for comfort. But nothing felt like home. I knew if I didn’t do anything about it that depression and anxiety would swallow me whole. I feared I might never get out.

So I went in a direction I had never been in before. I embarked on a journey of health and self-discovery. I worked on my self-esteem, I began to love myself. I never missed a day at the gym. I finally found my place of comfort.

That feeling of fulfilling a desperate need with a lifestyle that is so positive and healthy was completely new to me. It changed my life. I was walking fire I burned so bright. 

But, complacency is normal. It’s what happens when you are at something for a while. Staying motivated is work. You have to constantly be focusing on your passion and keeping that fire lit.

I guess I got distracted. I care about my blog and all of you. I care about talking about mental health and erasing the shame and stigma that goes along with it. I care about my puppies who need my love and attention. I care about my relationship, my family, my work, and my volunteering. I can admit that this is where my energy has been as of late.

Then, something changed.

I started to feel the universe shifting.

Everyone has problems, I’ll be the first to admit my struggles. I’ve been dealing with health issues, family issues, and the loss of someone really close to me (she just moved away, it is loss all the same). My anxiety has been doing it’s very best to get at me. I’m getting older, I’m thinking about my future, I’m putting pressure on myself to be the best even when I’m maxed out.

I found myself needing that comfort again.

The gym is the one place I feel whole. I know there are a lot of other people out there who have had their lives completely change in the same way: once they grasped this healthy outlet, they never let it go. Nothing bad can happen to me in the gym. There I am strong, I am powerful.

And by giving myself up to the peace I find there, I remain in control.


No matter how perfect anybody looks, we all have our problems. What’s important is finding healthy ways of dealing with them.

And so, life has folded back over onto itself. I’m back where I once was before, but I’m not.

I have gained so much in the last year and a half. I have such a beautiful life.

But I also have my fire back.

I continue the fight against illness of the body and mind through nutrition and fitness. I’ll never give that up. I wish for you all to find that place of comfort, wherever it may be. And when your fire goes out, remember the reasons why you continue to get up every day and fight.

We still have so much more to do.


6 responses to “I’m back where I once was before, but I’m not.”

  1. This is a great inspiration. It’s good to hear, that you have your fire back, as theflipoftheswitch said. You really handle everything so well. You know how to help yourself and that’s such a great gift. Keep strong! xx


  2. Congratulations of rekindling your fire! I struggle with anxiety and depression too. While I do have things that help me through those rough patches, sometimes there is nothing like paying someone to listen to you bitch about life. AKA, I go to therapy sometimes. It is nice to know you can make an appointment and have someone there to listen to you and offer suggestions on how to navigate you through the funk. I find that I am able to bounce back quicker after a session or two. Maybe if you find your fire dimming again, think about talking to a therapist. My therapist actually encouraged me to join a gym and rekindle my passion for horse riding. Just a thought! I love reading your blog too!


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